Things that make you go HMMMM...part 2 (updated)

I received notification that my fabulous matchmaking service has found me another match, so I zipped over there this morning to check it out.

Trisa, we'd like you to meet Becky from College Station.

HUH?

Apparently having run out of male options, they've decided to start sending me women?

I sent off a little note pointing out this obvious oversight, and will post the reply once I receive it. It's sure to be worth the read.

For those of you who may be new to my dating saga, here's what I'm looking for.

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As promised, here is the official response from the absolutely fabulous matchmaking service who has matched me with men my father's age and older, the Ex's roommate, rock climbing/skydiving adventure freaks and now even a woman.

"Thank you very much for your email. I have reviewed Becky's account and I'm happy to verify that this match is listed as male. The only thing I can think happened is an error in setting up their account. I have e-mailed this match to verify this and will work with them to correct any error that may have occurred."

Exorcist: Part Deux

After my "trip into the bowels of hell" (thank you Ruben for the wonderful image) as I watched the Dominion a couple of weeks ago, I was assured by several people that I just had to see Exorcist: The Beginning, the other version of the movie, the one the studios actually endorsed. I absolutely refused to waste any more money on this endeavor and managed to get a copy from someone who works with my mom.

Let me go on record as stating that, yes The Beginning is better than Dominion. But come on, folks, if you've seen Dominion, you know it doesn't take much to improve upon it. I'd say watching water boil, doing one's taxes and even getting a little Martha Stewart and making a mosaic out of someone else's toenail clippings would be better than Dominion.

Just how much better is The Beginning? There was no mysterious Philippino character. The natives didn't speak on camera, so you didn't long for English subtitles. The exorcism did include the use of holy water. And I myself didn't spend a dime to see it!!

Other than that though, it pretty much sucked ass. So here are the reasons why you should not see Exorcist: The Beginning:

1. No Max Von Sydow. Max is still not with us and neither should this movie be. I think congress should do something useful and pass legislation prohibiting any Exorcist movies that do not star Max Von Sydow.

2. No Linda Blair. Again, there's a girl with wavy brown hair, and yes, this time she is posessed, but the symbolism was too much. Over and over we see a young girl (reminiscant of Linda Blair) skipping and waving happily into the freshly falling snow. Does Merrin save her? Nope, she dies. Then the female doctor Sarah, in a surprise twist (lolol) turns out to house the demon instead of Joseph...or is it James? the one who didn't get eaten by the hyenas that jumped out of the well. Anyway...does Merrin save her? From the posession yes. But her head bleeds out in some bizarre form of ebola and she dies. Strike 2 for Fr. Merrin. All this leads to his eventual encounter with Reagan, just another in a string of dark, wavy haired women in his life....

3. Vatican conspiracy. Are you ready for this one? The vatican ordered a Byzantine church built on the exact spot where Lucifer fell when he was cast out of Heaven. (How this spot was determined, I have no idea.) Needless to say, the place definitely has a negative atmosphere.
Good and evil went to war and everyone associated with the church was killed except for 2 priests.

4. Problem is, these "priests" weren't dressed as priests. They wore the shield of the Knights Templar, which supposedly has Masonic ties, and yet that's a whole conspiracy theory left untouched in this movie.

5. British military in shorts. Yep, I still think grown men look damned silly wearing shorts, knee socks and Sunday go to meeting shoes.

6. Butterfly fetish. The British major had a severe one. And at the climatic moment right before he blows his brains out, all the pinned specimins came back to life and were flapping their wings, yet unable to fly away from their glass display boxes. I think this was more symbolism, pointing to man's inability to free himself from evil.

7. When Merrin enters the church it has been defiled and the crucifix is hanging upside down. It stays that way throughout the movie. HUH? Seems a little bit much like tempting fate to leave it upside down. Why didn't one of the 2 priests fix it or at least remove it??

Renny Harlin directed this time around. And frankly, he should have known better. In the special features on the dvd, he tells of how challenging it was to make the movie with a cast on his leg. Seems he was hit by a taxi and broke his leg in Rome.

Now if that aint God's way of saying not to make such a flaming pile of shit, then I just don't recognize flaming piles of shit. These are modern times, He's not always going to address us with burning bushes. Sometimes, you get run down by a taxi cab just cuz the Almighty needs to get your attention.

Funeral rights?

When I was in college I lived with my grandparents. At some point my grandfather took me a walk. "I want to show you something," he said as we headed around the block.

We ended up at the local funeral home which was less than 2 blocks away. He introduced me to the funeral director with these words, "When the time comes, don't worry; everything's already planned and paid for. He knows what I want and will take care of everything. All that needs to be done is to call the VFW." My grandfather was so prepared for the inevitable that he had footstones already engraved for him and my grandmother. As I recall, they lived on the front porch for many years.

My grandfather, like so many of his generation, was a WWII veteran. Many times the family has accompanied him to reunions of the 755 Tank Batallion. We've heard the stories of him almost seeing Pompei (he chose not to go!!), being so drunk he rolled up the hills in Italy and intimidating POW's with a lion (ok, it was just a lion cub and it really belonged to the French Foreign Legion, but you should see the pictures!) He did tours in Africa and Italy serving as a radio operator before returning stateside and starting the family.

About 8 years ago, my grandfather died suddenly, just 8 days before Christmas. My father is the oldest of 3, but in recent years wasn't too involved in family affairs, so my aunt shouldered the burden of burying their father.

I'm the eldest of the grandchildren and tried to step in to pick up some slack for my dad. I told her about my walk with Grandpa and how everything was taken care of. I went with her as she confirmed some arrangements and made some new ones. I was with her when she met with the pastor to plan the service and the programs. And I was with her when we found out my grandfather would NOT be getting a 21 gun salute.

"But all we're supposed to do is call the VFW. That's what Grandpa said. He's a member and he gets the flag, taps and a 21 gun salute."

Hippie tried to explain, "There isn't an honor guard available. They've tried in 3 cities. There's noone to do the military rites."

My grandfather, who risked his life to protect and defend this and other countries, was denied the honor and respect of his military funeral. I was then and still am appalled.

I was told to cut the VFW some slack and to be understanding, "It's Christmas."

"I'm sorry Grandpa died at an inconvenient time!" was my reply.

This week, I was at the funeral for another WWII veteran, the grandfather of my cousins and Hippie's father-in-law. Remembering how the Lopez family had attended my grandparent's funerals, I made sure to go to pay my respects, even though I haven't seen them in about 12 years.

I was barely breathing as the 21 gun salute rang out and was tearing up when Taps was played. Hippie was crying freely. For the 2 of us, it was a double ceremony. We were paying tribute not only to Mr. Lopez, who was a disabled veteran, but also to my grandfather.

After Taps, the minister came up and led the large assembly in prayer and thanked everyone for coming. Then a director of the VA National Cemetery of Houston took the podium, "It's not that I'm trying to rush you folks, or anything, but we've got 2 other funerals planned for today."

WHAT?

Noone had yet paid final respects to Mr. Lopez or expressed condolences to the family. And I'm pretty sure his wife of 61 years wanted a final moment with her husband.

Being the kind of family we are, we ignored Mr. VA and did our thing. Some of us grieved and some of us comforted.

For about 5 minutes, until Mr. VA again announced, "We have 2 other services scheduled for the commitment cue. The military service took longer than we expected. So if you could all move along..."

HUH?

Who better than the VA National Cemetery to know the time constraints of a military service? If time is such an issue, why is there only one area to perform the service? Why were 3 services scheduled so closely together? What about showing honor and respect to the deceased and their grieving families?

Adventures in duct tape

A few Christmases ago I was out shopping for my dad's Christmas gift. He'd either voiced a desire for or a complaint about the lack of a specific tool. Whichever way it happened, I found myself perusing the local Target. I chose a Home Improvement set, complete with hammer, 2 screwdrivers (flat and phillips heads), a level, a measuring tape and a picture of Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor. A child's tool set based on the characters of the TV series Home Improvement seemed the perfect gift for my father. He had, after all, blown up the engine of my car while changing out the battery. Funny how those ground wires react when touching metal.

Purchase complete, I set my mind to the task of making Dad's gift even more perfect. What could possibly be added to his Home Improvement basic tool set?

Duct tape!

I really get into my Christmas wrapping. If I do my job right, there will be no 2 presents under my tree that are the same and I really enjoy using non-traditional materials on my packages. When Mom asked me for an electric can opener, I was more than happy to oblige and to use a manual can opener tied on with ribbons as the bow. Wouldn't Dad's tool set be perfect with a roll of duct tape instead of a bow?

A couple weeks later, I was out shopping with the family, getting last minute items. My uncle was going to Ace Hardware for something. "Oh, good, " I told him, " I need to get some duct tape."

My uncle looked at me stangely, which I interpreted as a request for an explanation of the duct tape. I gushed into a synopsis of Dad, the tools and the duct tape/bow substitution.

"You can't make a bow out of duct tape," he answered.

Please allow me to digress for a moment to explain a little bit about the way my mind works. When I was 4, Mom had been taking me to the library and reading with me. One particular night, I wanted her to read to me. She wanted to cook dinner. "Fine," I huffed. (I think I was huffing anyway...it was a long time ago...but if I wasn't huffing, I damn well should have been!) "I'll read it myself." And I did. I sat on the couch, pointing to each word and reading "The Little Red Hen" loud enough that Mom came in from the kitchen to listen.

That moment was a defining one. No longer did I have to rely on others. I could and would do it myself. This lesson has stayed with me. No one tells me what I can or cannot do.

My uncle, with this simple statement, had laid down the gauntlet. I spent the rest of the afternoon in the back of my uncle's van, just me and 3 rolls of duct tape. (Should you find yourself in need of a duct tape bow, fold over the duct tape so that it doesn't stick to everything.)
By the end of the shopping spree my uncle was the proud owner of a very large, multi-petaled, silver duct tape bow. My aunt took the wreath off her front door and replaced it with my all-weather duct tape creation.

The next Christmas I just had to continue on the duct tape theme. Each male family member received a hand-made, fully functional duct tape wallet. Did you know duct tape comes in an assortment of fashionable colors?

The following year was met with lots of anticipation. What crazy duct tape gift would I come up with? The duct tape tie. Unlike my previous creations, the tie actually necessitated the use of scissors (the bow and wallets were made completely by hand). I was disheartened and only made the prototype tie, which I gave to my uncle on Christmas morning.

"I'll wear it to church when you come with me." You see, I am the black sheep of my holy-roller, protestant family. I became Catholic. The family wastes no opportunity in trying to bring me back into the fold. I declined, and the tie took up permanent residence on the coat rack by my aunt's front door.

Now I'm toying with the idea and plans for a duct tape belt. I'm at a loss how to make a buckle without buying the hardware from the craft store. I prefer to keep my creations purely duct tape. Good thing there's lots of time til Christmas.

PJ's or no?

I was chatting with the Red-Headed Step-Child of Fate Saturday when our conversation turned to the topic of pajamas. RHSCF wears bottoms only; he doesn't even bother with the corresponding tops.

Such a travesty! Orphaned pj bottoms and rejected pj tops...is this anyway for the world to function?

Once upon a time, RHSCF wore no jammies at all; but being in the military and sharing his living space with others has driven him to his bottoms only preference for modesty's sake.

I prefer sleeping commando (sorry to any of you who know me and would rather not know this info!). However, this isn't the best arrangement when living with others. If you wake up in the middle of the night, you have to scrounge around for something to put on before leaving the bedroom. I've put together mismatched, backwards, inside-out combos rooting around in the dark, trying to get dressed without turning on the light. (Once even driving home in such a state before noticing the error or my ways...)

Since I've been sleeping single again (2 years this week thanks to the Ex and Mrs. Ex) I've become more of a conformist and have adopted pj's for sleeping in again. Matching sets though. Not the pretty satiny, lacy, feminine stuff I would pick out while dating. Nope. Comfort is now key. Cotton sleep shorts or pants with matching whimsical t-shirts. Sometimes even socks since I've discovered that my feet cramp when they get cold.

And I used to make fun of Metro for his t-shirts....

What about you? Where do you weigh in on the sleepwear issue? PJ's or no?