Soldier of fortune?

You may have figured out by now that I work at a school, at least for the time being I do, and being single I've noticed that I don't meet single guys at work. I meet parents and the male ones almost always have a significant other. So when GIJoe was really nice to me and offered to get me a discount on a washer/dryer set (he was working at everyone's favorite discount mega store at the time) I just thought he was a nice guy trying to do a nice thing for someone who took care of his kids.

But no. He had ulterior motives which became plain to me at a much later date.

A couple weeks after my breakup with the EX, I was talking to a friend and she mentioned that GIJoe had just separated from his wife. Since misery loves company, I was surrounding myself with people whose relationships had fallen into the shithouse right alongside mine. I said something about telling him I said hello, and the next thing I knew he was IM'ing me from Mississippi. We chatted a while and he called so we could talk some more.

After a few days and long distance phone calls, in which I mourned the loss of the Ex, Joe got frustrated and said, "Why is it you women want to dwell on the past? I mourned my marriage long ago. It's time to move on."

Stunned that he'd talk to me like that when he'd always been so nice, I did a very uncharacteristic thing. I shut up.

He had a plan for me, you see. I would move in with him in Mississippi and run a 24 hour child care service for military personnel.

I argued that I didn't want to work 24 hours a day and have no life and he told me I'd make enough money I could hire other people to do it. Yeah, but as owner, I'd ultimately be on call and responsible for everything that happened. 24 hours a day. No thank you.

Conversation moved on and we started reminiscing about when his kids were at my school. "I always liked you." Oh yeah? This was music to sooth my recently rejected soul.

"Why did you think I offered you my discount?" Music sounding a wee bit flat at times.

"I always wanted a woman like you." What do you mean 'a woman like me'?

"A big, freaky, white woman."

WHAT THE HELL?

Let me tell you guys, if you want to insult your woman and you don't mind the consequences, you will get a lady's attention when you call her "a big, freaky, white woman."

I can't deny the big and white part. All you have to do is see me and you probably say to yourself, Self that's a big white woman. But freaky? GIJoe only knew me from a few phone calls and from the school. In what way am I freaky?

"I always assumed you were bi."

WHAT THE HOLY HELL?

Why would you think that, I asked him as the orchestra that had been playing soothing music was hit by a mack truck. "Because I wanted you to be."

Seems Joe has a fetish for big, bi, white women. Joe is most definitely non of the above. However, wishing for a thing doesn't make it so. Shortly thereafter, he gave me an ultimatum; I could get on his train to paradise or not.

Guess which one I chose.

So now he's been sent to Iraq and has a fiancee...well, she has a ring anyway. But he's got this girl keeping the home fires burning.

Last week I got an IM from him telling me all about how Iraq sucks, the desert sucks and GIJoe is headed home in a few days.

Really? That's great. Are you coming to town? Are you bringing your lady love with you?

"How do you know about her?"

Our friend mentioned her and that you might be getting married and I thought if you brought her to town, we could all meet.

"I'll be coming alone."

Actually, when he comes to Houston, he won't be "coming" at all. At least not on this train.