Buyer Beware
I hadn't been to the movies in a while (not since my pancake dinner date anyway) and decided to go see Dominion this weekend. I can hear all of you asking the obvious question "Why?" and trust me, it's a question I will be asking myself for a long while, for Dominion may just be the worst and most unbelievable movie ever made.
So here follows my top reasons NOT to go see Dominion:
1. It does not star Max Von Sydow. Max is dead, which if I may say so, was a good career move on his part because it freed him of any obligation to participate in this movie.
2. It does not star Linda Blair. Yes, there's a girl with long dark wavy hair, but she doesn't spin her head in a circle and spew pea soup.
3. The devil/demon/posessed person is Filippino. Now, can anyone explain to me how little Filippino CheChe landed in freakin Nairobi? Surely Hollywood didn't truly expect the audience to believe that CheChe was native to the African setting. There were no Filippino villagers that could have spawned the poor crippled, bucktoothed, posessed "child" as he was continuously referred to.
4. It revolves around a biblical archaeological dig site. See, there's a satanic temple underground, right underneath the temple erected to St. Michael. The theory being that the unholy could be made holy and if not, at least kept in check, by "holding it down". This theme is made clear when the statue of St. Michael is unearthed outside the church in the ever popular scene of St. Michael standing on a coffin while the demon posessed corpse stares up in horror at the blade St. Michael is wielding. Sounds like all the bible stories I remember...
5. Could they not afford a Catholic consultant? I realize those CGI hyenas cost a pretty penny, but I've never in my whole Catholic life known of a priest to beat people with a crucifix. Although it does bring to mind the saying "I'm gonna beat the devil right out of you."
6. The use of salt was very suspect. Preparing for the exorcism, the priest who chose 10 people to be killed in WWII and subsequently fell away from God, Fr. Not Van Sydow pours salt in four corners of the chapel. Sounds rather Terrebone Parish voodoo to me.
7. No holy water. I don't know of any priest who would head off for a missionary assignment in a "savage" country and not bring a vial of holy water.
8. The British military in shorts and knee socks. I know they're in Africa and it's hot in Africa, but I found it hard to take them seriously in their short pants.
9. Enthusiastic use of the native African languages. Without subtitles.
10. Cannibalistic cattle. Yes, you read that correctly.
11. Did I mention the movie was 2 hours long???
12. You have to spend money to get a ticket. Don't waste your money in these tight financial times. Your local movie house will not give you a refund.
How bad could it really have been? Well opening weekend I was one of 5 people stupid enough to choose to see Dominion. I could have seen Paris Hilton catch a metal rod through her forehead in House of Wax, but oh no, not me. Could've slapped some cinnamon rolls to my head and gone to see the latest Star Wars epic....hell I could have seen XXX without Vin Diesel, but no, sports fans, I chose Dominion.
It's a good thing I'm not with the EX anymore...I'd never earn movie chosing privileges again.
So here follows my top reasons NOT to go see Dominion:
1. It does not star Max Von Sydow. Max is dead, which if I may say so, was a good career move on his part because it freed him of any obligation to participate in this movie.
2. It does not star Linda Blair. Yes, there's a girl with long dark wavy hair, but she doesn't spin her head in a circle and spew pea soup.
3. The devil/demon/posessed person is Filippino. Now, can anyone explain to me how little Filippino CheChe landed in freakin Nairobi? Surely Hollywood didn't truly expect the audience to believe that CheChe was native to the African setting. There were no Filippino villagers that could have spawned the poor crippled, bucktoothed, posessed "child" as he was continuously referred to.
4. It revolves around a biblical archaeological dig site. See, there's a satanic temple underground, right underneath the temple erected to St. Michael. The theory being that the unholy could be made holy and if not, at least kept in check, by "holding it down". This theme is made clear when the statue of St. Michael is unearthed outside the church in the ever popular scene of St. Michael standing on a coffin while the demon posessed corpse stares up in horror at the blade St. Michael is wielding. Sounds like all the bible stories I remember...
5. Could they not afford a Catholic consultant? I realize those CGI hyenas cost a pretty penny, but I've never in my whole Catholic life known of a priest to beat people with a crucifix. Although it does bring to mind the saying "I'm gonna beat the devil right out of you."
6. The use of salt was very suspect. Preparing for the exorcism, the priest who chose 10 people to be killed in WWII and subsequently fell away from God, Fr. Not Van Sydow pours salt in four corners of the chapel. Sounds rather Terrebone Parish voodoo to me.
7. No holy water. I don't know of any priest who would head off for a missionary assignment in a "savage" country and not bring a vial of holy water.
8. The British military in shorts and knee socks. I know they're in Africa and it's hot in Africa, but I found it hard to take them seriously in their short pants.
9. Enthusiastic use of the native African languages. Without subtitles.
10. Cannibalistic cattle. Yes, you read that correctly.
11. Did I mention the movie was 2 hours long???
12. You have to spend money to get a ticket. Don't waste your money in these tight financial times. Your local movie house will not give you a refund.
How bad could it really have been? Well opening weekend I was one of 5 people stupid enough to choose to see Dominion. I could have seen Paris Hilton catch a metal rod through her forehead in House of Wax, but oh no, not me. Could've slapped some cinnamon rolls to my head and gone to see the latest Star Wars epic....hell I could have seen XXX without Vin Diesel, but no, sports fans, I chose Dominion.
It's a good thing I'm not with the EX anymore...I'd never earn movie chosing privileges again.
posted by TrisaTx at
6:22 PM
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