Sperm Donor

My druggie cousin and his druggie titty-bar dancing ex-wife share joint custody of their son. J.R. just turned 5 and started kindergarten and he's so proud of his school. Two weeks ago I went to a spaghetti dinner with J.R.--he had invited me as I was reading his school newsletter, "Would you like to go?"

Of course I went and dined on cold spaghetti, limp salad and 5 meatballs. Then I got the tour. I saw his classroom and where he lines up to catch the bus and we played on the playground.

And then came Rita.

My cousin, J. R.'s dad, evacuated to Arkansas with him. Today I got the news that they aren't coming home. My cousin says he's found a job and is gonna stay out of state.

I am livid. Too mad to even be hurt. You see, my cousin can't stick to any form of commitment. His marriage didn't last a year. He dropped out of rehab twice. He quits his jobs once people start telling him what to do. And he's been an absentee father for most of J.R.'s life.

When the baby was 18 months old, he started attending the school where I work. No matter which parent he was staying with, or which set of grandparents might be caring for him, he came to the school everyday. I started watching him on weekends and more than once had him for extended visits when his parents were too busy, drunk, high or just plain stupid to properly care for their son. Being single and not having kids, I have accepted J.R. as my own and I worked hard to give him stability whenever possible.

In February, his mom called me at the school and asked if I would take him home with me because she had to work late. She said she would pick him up from the school. J.R. got sick that night, and was throwing up every half hour. But I couldn't reach his mom (titty dancers don't usually carry their cell phones at work.) I called his grandmother instead and she picked him up and cared for him. His mom never came back.

We heard through friends that she had decided his dad needed to be a parent for a while. In the last 7 months, J.R. has seen his mom occasionally, when his other grandparents have him for a visit. She will not however call or answer calls to anyone in our family. She doesn't even call to talk to her son.

How can a mother turn her back on her child? She is living with a new boyfriend and his family doesn't know about J.R.

And his dad? He jumps from job to job and woman to woman. Even while living with his parents and J.R., he wasn't parental figure. He would take off to party, leaving the child in the care of his granparents. When my cousin's behavior became so erratic and $1500 was stolen he was thrown out of his parents' house. He left his child behind.

My aunt got insurance for J.R., got his immunizations and after much persuasion, convinced my cousin to sign guardianship over to her so that she could enroll him in school. I have been going over several times a week to tutor him, making sure he would be ready for kindergarten.

And now my cousin, the non-custodial parent of the child according to the court papers, has taken his son and left the state without attempting to notify the child's mother. My cousin, who was due to appear in court in October because of not paying child support, and who is facing a year in jail and the loss of his license, has fled the state. I believe there are warrents out for him on the child support charges. My cousin, who was convicted of a felony when he stole a roll of quarters to buy drugs, and who is on probation, left the state without notifying his probation officer. He was lucky enough to get probation and avoid a ten year sentence because he agreed to complete a rehab program at Cenikor. He walked out of the program twice without finishing it. My cousin, the convicted felon, who can't find a job in Texas, suddenly has a job in Arkansas?

I am having a difficult time accepting this. My hands are tied. Short of notifying his probation officer, the other grandparents and the attorney general, there's not much I can do. Not that I won't do what I can. In my eyes, my cousin forfeited the right to be a dad a long time ago. He's had 5 years to step up to the plate, and for 5 years he was content to let the rest of us raise his son.

Have you ever seen the movie "Parenthood"? Keanu Reeves says that you have to have a license to drive a car, but "any but reeming asshole can be a father." A couple of years ago there was an advertising campaign with the slogan, "It takes a man to be a dad." My cousin has fathered this child, but he has fallen far short of being a dad.