Texan Proud?

For any of you visiting my blog from outside of Texas, it's rodeo time! Yessirree Bob, the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, www.hlsr.com, is kicking of March 1.

I don't usually attend the rodeo. I was Texas born and raised, but I am the most Un-Texan you'll ever meet. I don't like horses; they're bigger than me and scarier than me. Country music leaves much to be desired with such raucous tunes as "My wife she left home with the dawg". I am proud to never have owned cowboy boots or hat (you will never see me in a hat). I prefer Levi's to Wrangler's any day of the week and find that big W stitched on the rear pockets obstructs my view of some mighty fine asses. So what's there for me at the rodeo?

Livestock. Ummmm....I live in a city, one of the largest in the nation actually. I don't like dogs or cats, much less barnyard animals. I've never ridden a horse. Did I mention my fear of horses? I've never milked a cow. That's why God invented the grocery store. Milk is abundantly at my disposal without getting up close and personal with the bovine set. Pigs? No thanks just give me the bacon. Chickens? Dirty birds. If I think about it too much, I can't even eat eggs. I just don't have any reason to go see all those animals I've managed to avoid by being a City Slicker. Rabbits, ostriches, emus, llamas and others don't fit into my daily life. Besides, have you ever smelled livestock? You get this mammalian menagerie together under one roof, throw in some hay and lots and lots of animal shit and some stale popcorn and fermented soda spilled on the concreve and voila! It's the livestock show. Add in a real life, honest to goodness auction, (no ebay for the rodeo afficianado), and some healthy bidding competition from Mattress Mack, and you got scholarships for kiddos, not to mention your very own livestock souvenir primed for slaughter. (Ok, I admit, the scholarship part's a good thing.)

Rodeo games. Calf roping, greased pig races, chuckwagon races, barrel races...I can't even feint interest in these. Seriously, if I cared, I'd buy a ranch and do this stuff for myself; I wouldn't have to buy tickets to watch others do it for me. The only remotely interesting rodeo sport is the bull riding. Itty bitty men strapped onto giant ass bulls, holding on with one hand. I love to root for the bull. The bull's snorting and bucking around, the cowboy's flailing and flying around, and the rodeo clown is watching it all from the relative safety of his red barrel. In theory the clown acts as a decoy to distract the bull and allow the thrown rider an opportunity to escape, but the bulls I've seen haven't been that easily distracted. You think they dose them up with Adderall?

In all fairness, I do need to point out that the greased pig competition, which involves children chasing greased pigs, trying to catch one and bring it into a marked ring, also benefits the kids. If you catch said greased pig, you get to keep it and raise it for the next year's livestock show. Brings new meaning to "Gee Mom it followed me home; can I keep it??" Nothing like becoming instant foster parents to little Porky Pig.

Live music. Mostly country, but for us rebels, there's usually a rock show or two, latino pride day, black pride day, and this year a special military pride day. Last time I was at the rodeo, when it was still at the Astrodome http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reliant_Astrodome , there was a special presentation by none other than the light company. Drill team girls on horses, with fringe and flags, patriotic music, a mini-movie, and fireworks all extolling the virtues of our utilities provider. Truly a heart warming, tear jerking, multi-media event.

Carnival! Now I actually like this part of the rodeo, but you don't have to go to the rodeo to find a fun carnival, just find your closest Fiesta mart. Cheesy games, really bad for you (but oh so tasty and satisfying) food, stuffed animals, rides that make you dizzy, rides that flip you upside down and empty your pockets....fabulous family entertainment. And funnel cakes. Gotta have a funnel cake at the carnival, otherwise, what's the point?

Cook-offs. Chili for some. Yum-yum. Every true Texan and Texan wanna-be has a secret chili recipe. ( Mine isn't exactly the recipe as what I do with it. But I digress. ) Barbecue for others. Which brings me in a long roundabout way to my reason for posting tonight. For the first time ever, I am going to the cook-off. Thanks to my friend Brandy and her generous husband Jason. (Help me thank Brandy by visiting her blog and saying hello www.buggybran.blogspot.com ). Tomorrow I will be dining on bbq brisket, chicken, quail, hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad and a bunch of stuff I don't remember, and drinking my way through an open bar. Cuz while I won't give the Rodeo Association any of my money, I will gladly avail myself of the hospitality afforded me by 2 free tickets.

So tune in tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel and I'll tell you all about it. And if you wanna know my chili secret, just drop me a line.